I sadly developed depression at the age around 5-6 years old after my parents got divorced. After that happened I wasn’t aloud to express emotions, talk about my feelings or even have a thought.
I didn’t know what life was supposed to be like outside of the home life or school life both of which I didn’t find any enjoyment from being apart of because any home I would just get shouted at and when I voiced I wanted to live with my dad instead I would simply get told that “I would die” followed by “Do you want to die? Because that’s what will happen if you move in with him after he sends you to a terrible school which all the students will break your arms and legs then they will stab you everyday till you bleed out! Is that what you want?” Sadly this was a common occurrence and after that I realised I wasn’t aloud to speak or voice anything in that household again.
I spent the rest of my early life raising my older brother and sorting out all my moms adult problems and issues, including any relationship she got into which always ended with “all you men are the same just pieces of shits” which she happily said to her to two young boys.
While growing up I didn’t know what depression was or why I felt tired everyday and didn’t see the point anymore to do anything but sadly I was forced to put on a front because if I didn’t then I would get shouted at and told “I’m an ungrateful piece of shit that’s doesn’t deserve happiness”. This was how the first 12 years of my life went till things got even worse for me and my brother.
We used to live in a city called Worcester which is where most of my relatives live at still today but then we got forced to move to Somerset because of a school our mom thought would magically set us up for life and magically open up every door in the world which we all knew was he being delusional. The school is very well known for helping Olympic athletes and other sports professionals to gain a career but apart from that the students weren’t the best and they only cared about one thing which was money, they believed that it was the sauce to being happy and the only thing that truly mattered in life which is also why I didn’t fit into the place because all that I ever wanted was to be truly happy and to find a way to escape the two worlds I was now trapped in on which was a terrible home life which was made even worse due to my mom dating a raging alcoholic who would happily join in with the verbal abuse towards us and he was happy to try everyday to get us removed so he could steal all of her possessions and keep it all for himself (yes he only cared about money and living in a made up world they both created).
After he cheated on her twice and all of the family and friends persevering she finally got rid of him but he didn’t choose to leave without wanting some cash so he kept an account (which was in his and my moms name) and stated he wouldn’t sign the paper unless she gives him a certain amount of money, that was his last attempt to gain some money as a good bye present. Sadly he got what he wanted and gained a large sum of money.
Fast forward to when I turned 18 – 19 I left home and wanted a fresh start which I finally learnt what life is like outside of the place I was raised in and I learnt that my upbringing was wrong and it should never have happened. I have now made loads of friends and made loads of connections as well which has made me experience true happiness but sadly that was short lived as I met me first girlfriend who was very manipulative and controlling which she would never admit due to her living in a fantasy world she created (you know when people say you are attracted to people who match people you grew up with well sadly this was it). Me and my friend wanted to join the army as it was a life long dream of ours to achieve but sadly she kept on controlling me and wasn’t letting me join this went on for 8 years of my life. To make a long story short when it came to the end of the relationship she knew that it was going to happen which she decided to accuse me of a serious crime which has been known for putting innocent men into prison. I still struggle with trusting women in that regard but I’m currently going through therapy in which to help me get through the trauma which she put me through. Thankfully during that time I had friends which happily supported me and comfort me while my mind was racing and going through therapy changes and acceptance that I am not a criminal it was just her way of trying to get her own back at me and couldn’t care about the repercussions or the stress it would cause me to go through. We finally broke up and after six months of working hard on myself I finally felt comfortable being around women and able to trust them but still not to the extent I used to (It’s now been over two years and I still struggle with trusting women after it).
It has now been over two years since the break up and I finally feel better within myself and have the confidence to put myself out there to try and find someone to have as a life partner but there is still that little doubt which lingers in the back of my mind which I don’t know if I will ever be able to fully shake off or I’ll just have to learn how to cope with it.
This is an ongoing story and I will update it as my time goes on.
Beyond Borders & Balance 