It was amazing I arrived at 7pm and then checked in with the hotel, had some dinner at a restaurant next to the hotel I stayed at (Innet Hotel). The food was amazing I had the ‘fish n chips’ which had lots of flavour and it even came with apple sauce which I’ve never had with fish or even the chips but I thought “fuck it”
After eating I then headed out to explore where the shops so I can map it out for the next day. I then realised it’s Friday night lets go see what the nightlife is like and ended walking over to the famous red light district which everyone told me I should visit and didn’t say anything else about it apart from the classic “it’s an experience” and that it was I didn’t know what to expect but then I saw all these beautiful women leaving very little to the imagination which at first did startle me as the last person I saw in they’re underwear was my longterm ex girlfriend.
I’m not going to lie it was very inspiring how all these women have the confidence and the courage to stand there in front of all these strangers and try to entice them into having sex with them, which as a person who has only had sex with one person my whole life it was intimidating at first but after walking all these way up and down both sides of the river I started to feel more comfortable with seeing people like that. I know that they didn’t want me to join them for my looks or anything else than the fact that it’s how they get paid but still it did feel nice to have some kind of attention from the gender I’m attracted to.
While that nice of exploring I decided to embrace all that Amsterdam had to offer (apart from the drugs because it’s not for me but fair enough to the people who choose to do it). I headed over to a stripe club which I have never done before but when in Rome as they say. I paid to walk in and one of the strippers came up to me and we started talking, later I ended paying for a private show which again never experience before and honestly I did freeze for a minuet because of past trauma my ex left me with (she didn’t believe in consent when it came to the end of the relationship) but after the first 5 minuets I managed to forget about everything and just went with the flow and how we both worked together. Not going to lie it was nice the fact that I could have this experience where it was all consensual and we both happily put boundaries in place so we both understood each other. After that experience I left feeling like I had learnt a lot about myself and the thing that stood out the most is that I still have some mental scars that I still need to work through but yet I’m still proud of myself for pushing myself outside of my comfort zone and also pushing myself further as well.
The next day I went back to where the shops are and got my mom(she’s not actually my mom but she’s the closest thing to one I’ve had) a present which was a keyring with little wooden shoes on them which on my first day back at work I gave to her.
Overall after the holiday away and doing some self exploration I have realised that sadly I’m not emotionally available for a relationship and I still have some trauma to work on as well but also I have the confidence to go out and do anything and everything I want when I want, without the need of others and I proved to myself that I have the confidence to be fully independent.
If anyone can gain anything from this blog I really hope it’s that it’s ok to have problems and issues, just try to push yourself out there and try your absolute best to enjoy life and all that the world has to offer
Beyond Borders & Balance 