If you have read my other blogs about mental health which I may have mentioned about my family at times you might have figured that I was raised in a dysfunctional family which included lots of threats and manipulation.
Currently the main manipulator sadly is my brother who has been diagnosed with narcissism which means he doesn’t know how empathy works and they believe they are the gift to humanity. Currently as I write this he has recently tried to control our grandma so that he can try to have the family flat all to himself and no one else is aloud to visit or even use the place.
He sadly knows how to emotionally exhaust people and then try to take advantage of it so that he can try to get what he wants from the other person and he ended pushing me so much that I nearly ended it all due to the stress and him desperately trying to wear me out. I told him about this but he didn’t seem to care so I spoke to the next best thing my closet friend (who is more like a brother to me) and we talked about how I was coping with the whole thing and how to manage the stress when he decides to try and take control of other people’s lives.
I spent a night away to try and heal and recover by visiting the family flat which he chose to be there knowing that I needed a break from him and a sometime to fully switch off, he noticed me on the balcony on a call which he called for me and I chose to ignore it because I didn’t want to speak to him which I know can be seen as immature but during that time I just needed some space and he was the last person I wanted to speak to or even see at the time.
The next day I called him to explain why I’m distancing myself from him and even told him about the attempted suicide I did which all I got as a response was “ok well I’ve got things to do so speak later”. It broke my heart hearing those words come out of his mouth when everyone else I talked to offered me emotional support, a shoulder to cry on and even one offered to come and spend the day with me which truly meant a lot. But my own brother who we both have experience a bit of a messed upbringing he didn’t want to know or show any kind of support.
I’ve spoken to my therapist and we have come up with a plan of action for the chances of me turning into that disassociated state again, when I think about it, it’s very scary how the body just reacted and no matter what I couldn’t control it’s movements or anything which I have never experienced before.
I’m going to try and get that default setting removed from my brain which I created sadly myself which I didn’t mean to it was made due to having depression for a while and I needed some kind of comfort which I found in the idea of dying and death because I saw as a way to escape from life and it really helped me knowing that one day I would get a chance to experience true peace. I know that now that i not the way forward and it’s not true as I want to see the world and experience life to the full. I’ve got a new motivator in life which is to one day experience life with having a functioning family which we all support each other and we all go out for hikes and so on. That is my new goal, not death.
As I write this I’m still struggling to digest what he said after I had told him about the attempted suicide but at the same time I can now see where I fully stand in his life and sadly that is a bitter pill to swallow.
I will continue my mental health journey and keep you all updated and for the readers who come across anything like this or know anyone who is struggling please reach out to those who are having a bad time even if they just had a bad day, it can really change the path they believe has been chosen for them.
Beyond Borders & Balance 