Beyond Borders & Balance

My 30th birthday

So first off I want to ask for a moment of silence for my 20’s

Thank you, now let’s move onto the more interesting part of my life around why this birthday was like no other.

If you have read any of my previous posts you would have noticed I don’t have the best relationship with family members, but this one is a slightly different kind of story from my life, this one is about me and my dad.

So I haven’t seen my dad for 10-11 years and this year I decided to make an effort to have a relationship with him and my sister and I took the leap, to invite them for my birthday.

So the first night went kinda interesting it was awkward seeing him after such a long time and then we went out for some diner which he told me something unexpected “When we had you, I felt regret and regretted having you”. I wasn’t expecting to be told that two days before turning 30 but I keep telling myself it was just the alcohol talking and not him.

On the day before I turned 30 he showed me around the big city and most of the sights which was a nice way for us to bond and get to know who each other is, after showing me around we went back to the hotel to relax till we went out for my birthday meal which was nice to spend time with his family and honestly that was the first time in a long time I have experienced a functioning family and it was very refreshing to see. But as it’s a classic my life story it always has a turn and with this one I also found out that he wan’t there when I was born but he was there for the others which did sting a bit and it made me realise the middle child syndrome is very true.

I’m still determined to spend time and develop a relationship with them so I can say I have some kind of a family which I’m related to as I currently don’t have one and I’ve made one with friends and people I classify as family but its kinda different.

Wish me luck and I’ll keep you all updated in my life

Is family a F word?

If you have read my other blogs about mental health which I may have mentioned about my family at times you might have figured that I was raised in a dysfunctional family which included lots of threats and manipulation.

Currently the main manipulator sadly is my brother who has been diagnosed with narcissism which means he doesn’t know how empathy works and they believe they are the gift to humanity. Currently as I write this he has recently tried to control our grandma so that he can try to have the family flat all to himself and no one else is aloud to visit or even use the place.

He sadly knows how to emotionally exhaust people and then try to take advantage of it so that he can try to get what he wants from the other person and he ended pushing me so much that I nearly ended it all due to the stress and him desperately trying to wear me out. I told him about this but he didn’t seem to care so I spoke to the next best thing my closet friend (who is more like a brother to me) and we talked about how I was coping with the whole thing and how to manage the stress when he decides to try and take control of other people’s lives.

I spent a night away to try and heal and recover by visiting the family flat which he chose to be there knowing that I needed a break from him and a sometime to fully switch off, he noticed me on the balcony on a call which he called for me and I chose to ignore it because I didn’t want to speak to him which I know can be seen as immature but during that time I just needed some space and he was the last person I wanted to speak to or even see at the time.

The next day I called him to explain why I’m distancing myself from him and even told him about the attempted suicide I did which all I got as a response was “ok well I’ve got things to do so speak later”. It broke my heart hearing those words come out of his mouth when everyone else I talked to offered me emotional support, a shoulder to cry on and even one offered to come and spend the day with me which truly meant a lot. But my own brother who we both have experience a bit of a messed upbringing he didn’t want to know or show any kind of support.

I’ve spoken to my therapist and we have come up with a plan of action for the chances of me turning into that disassociated state again, when I think about it, it’s very scary how the body just reacted and no matter what I couldn’t control it’s movements or anything which I have never experienced before.

I’m going to try and get that default setting removed from my brain which I created sadly myself which I didn’t mean to it was made due to having depression for a while and I needed some kind of comfort which I found in the idea of dying and death because I saw as a way to escape from life and it really helped me knowing that one day I would get a chance to experience true peace. I know that now that i not the way forward and it’s not true as I want to see the world and experience life to the full. I’ve got a new motivator in life which is to one day experience life with having a functioning family which we all support each other and we all go out for hikes and so on. That is my new goal, not death.

As I write this I’m still struggling to digest what he said after I had told him about the attempted suicide but at the same time I can now see where I fully stand in his life and sadly that is a bitter pill to swallow.

I will continue my mental health journey and keep you all updated and for the readers who come across anything like this or know anyone who is struggling please reach out to those who are having a bad time even if they just had a bad day, it can really change the path they believe has been chosen for them.

Amsterdam holiday

It was amazing I arrived at 7pm and then checked in with the hotel, had some dinner at a restaurant next to the hotel I stayed at (Innet Hotel). The food was amazing I had the ‘fish n chips’ which had lots of flavour and it even came with apple sauce which I’ve never had with fish or even the chips but I thought “fuck it”

After eating I then headed out to explore where the shops so I can map it out for the next day. I then realised it’s Friday night lets go see what the nightlife is like and ended walking over to the famous red light district which everyone told me I should visit and didn’t say anything else about it apart from the classic “it’s an experience” and that it was I didn’t know what to expect but then I saw all these beautiful women leaving very little to the imagination which at first did startle me as the last person I saw in they’re underwear was my longterm ex girlfriend.

I’m not going to lie it was very inspiring how all these women have the confidence and the courage to stand there in front of all these strangers and try to entice them into having sex with them, which as a person who has only had sex with one person my whole life it was intimidating at first but after walking all these way up and down both sides of the river I started to feel more comfortable with seeing people like that. I know that they didn’t want me to join them for my looks or anything else than the fact that it’s how they get paid but still it did feel nice to have some kind of attention from the gender I’m attracted to.

While that nice of exploring I decided to embrace all that Amsterdam had to offer (apart from the drugs because it’s not for me but fair enough to the people who choose to do it). I headed over to a stripe club which I have never done before but when in Rome as they say. I paid to walk in and one of the strippers came up to me and we started talking, later I ended paying for a private show which again never experience before and honestly I did freeze for a minuet because of past trauma my ex left me with (she didn’t believe in consent when it came to the end of the relationship) but after the first 5 minuets I managed to forget about everything and just went with the flow and how we both worked together. Not going to lie it was nice the fact that I could have this experience where it was all consensual and we both happily put boundaries in place so we both understood each other. After that experience I left feeling like I had learnt a lot about myself and the thing that stood out the most is that I still have some mental scars that I still need to work through but yet I’m still proud of myself for pushing myself outside of my comfort zone and also pushing myself further as well.

The next day I went back to where the shops are and got my mom(she’s not actually my mom but she’s the closest thing to one I’ve had) a present which was a keyring with little wooden shoes on them which on my first day back at work I gave to her.

Overall after the holiday away and doing some self exploration I have realised that sadly I’m not emotionally available for a relationship and I still have some trauma to work on as well but also I have the confidence to go out and do anything and everything I want when I want, without the need of others and I proved to myself that I have the confidence to be fully independent.

If anyone can gain anything from this blog I really hope it’s that it’s ok to have problems and issues, just try to push yourself out there and try your absolute best to enjoy life and all that the world has to offer

My holiday in Paris

Where to start well the airport was very confusing in which to get out and the metro was difficult to get my ticket, so after a few minuets I gave up and asked a member of staff for some help which they showed me where I can get a taxi from. After the taxi ride I got to my hotel “Insert hotel name” which the room was a little small but perfect for one person, the bed was very hard but after the stress of arriving luckily I just passed out and went to sleep that night.

*The nice view of the train station from my room*

I got up early and had a nice all inclusive breakfast and then started exploring the city, my first destination was the ‘Eiffel Tower’

After walking around the Eiffel Tower I went into the aquarium to kill some time and also to make the most of my full day in Paris.

I also got to visit the ‘garden name’ which was beautiful was had a very relaxing environment during the summertime. I got to relax for a bit before deciding to go off and see some more of the sights and learn more of the french culture.

*Insert all of the pictures

Not going to lie I honesty had the best time of my life being in Paris and I’m sad that I didn’t get to enjoy it more but I know that I have the lucky opportunity to always go back and explore more but next time I want to go round the countryside, as much as I have enjoyed the city break I am a countryman through and through so naturally I would be drawn to more of a beach holiday or even a holiday in the fields or forest than anything else, but this is about exploring and that is exactly what I want this side of the blog to be about more than anything else.

After all of my mental health problems I have faced and all of the struggles with self confidence I can now very happily say that I have conquered many fears such as being alone or being seen as a looser for going by myself but this has proven to me that I don’t have to travel with people or care what others think or feel about how I choose to love my life I can simply just do it all myself. I hope this can help encourage people who want to see the world but are afraid of doing it by themselves. We don’t know how long we have left on the beautiful planet so why not say fuck it and get out there and experience it all!

My first holiday in 6 years

I am going away to travel around europe for a week. I’ll be spending 2 nights in Paris, Brussels and then finally at Amsterdam.

The reason to why I didn’t travel for a while was because of bad mental health but now being in a much happier frame of mind I have decided to say “fuck it” and this year I am going to travel around Europe and then next year I will be branching out to travel around Australia.

I’m not going to all these different places for the sake of it but there is a small mission which is to try and find a place I can finally call home which is something I haven’t just yet. I currently and always have lived in the UK which don’t get me wrong this is a great country there are so many benefits to this island but I don’t fully feel like it is for me which is also why along my travels I will hopefully find a place and be able to call it home. I know there are so many pros and cons everywhere you go in life and where you choose to live in, but for me personally I just don’t feel like this is the place I am made to live in forever the biggest reason to why I want to move is the classic British complaint ‘the weather’. I love being outside and if I can do that everyday of my life without getting soaked or end up burning in the boiling heat then I will be so much happier within myself and also in productivity. I am an extrovert and also have got S.A.D which doesn’t help when living in a place which rains or is overcast most of the year, I mean it’s summer time and there is rain already *laughs and cry’s at the same time*

During my travels I will be posting more blogs about my experiences naming the hotels I chose to stay in and the different activities I decided to do. So we all have that to look forward to.

Putting the excitement of the holiday aside I am also saying goodbye to a terrible chapter of my life by selling my first house which I wish I hadn’t bought back then which was followed by so much misery. So there is that nice slice of happiness as well which I can’t wait to achieve, I will keep everyone updated about that as well!

So much has happened and so much is happening but not to worry they are all positives which is a beautiful change, always remember to look at the positives even during the dark times because believe it or not you can change the whole environment and situation into something more positive

Making this year me year

I have now spent a week off my antidepressants, booked two holidays this year and going to start being an army reservist.

This year i am going to make it my year no one is going to get in my way or drag me down or control my life anymore I have seen and can register the signs of a toxic person now.

I am going to turn 30 this year and I’m still single which isn’t a bad thing its nice because you don’t have to worry about someone else or take someone else’s feeling into account when I want to leave the house or go shopping I can just go without asking if anyone wants something. But that being said I miss spoiling my partner and buy them surprise presents, have cuddles while it rains and watch a movie. I miss waking up to someone and turning over to cuddle them. I miss the feeling of being wanted by someone. I’m in no rush to find someone I’, just going to make the most of being single and focus on myself.

The holidays I have booked are: a trip round Europe so 2 nights in Paris, 2 in Brussels and 2 in Amsterdam which I’m going to explore the countries and make the most of it. I call it “My holiday” which I know sounds a little odd but I have worked for 4 years straight and haven’t taken anytime out for myself and this is my way to finally treat myself.

Holiday number 2: This line is my brothers wedding we are going to the Greek islands and explore the area for a week which will be lovely and I get to be best man and yes I do have to write a speech weather it’s embarrassing or just meaningful that’s for you to wonder. I will get to meet my brother in laws family which I’m excited about and I love the idea of two families being united into one with a beautiful ceremony.

I’ve also started making furniture for fun which it turns out to be very therapeutic and a nice way to meet other people as well. I’m making a resin table which I will sell after and then I’m going to make a TV stand for myself as the one I’ve got was flat packed and doesn’t go with the aesthetics of the new house. It just goes to show that the best thing to do in life is experiment and find something you enjoy and just embrace it. You can turn anything into a coping mechanism and a way to get a break from life as a whole.

I will do another post about my holiday and another life update

Finally coming off my antidepressants

So I’ve been on antidepressants for only 2 years which isn’t long compared to others but I just wanted to share a little something about my personal experience with taking them and coming off them, just in case anyone out there is interested about taking them.

I was in a dark place which I didn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel which I knew I needed help with taking the edge of it all. I first contacted my doctors which they responded with “just go for a run and you’ll be fine and I’m not going to let you have antidepressants because you just need to find another coping mechanism”. So I took matters into my own hands and contacted a private practice which they helped me by diagnosing me with depression and anxiety, which then they put me onto antidepressants.

At the start I felt off and my head felt like I wasn’t fully with it for a week, I had some short tempers which I noticed and apologise to everyone and explained to them its the medication.

After the first initial week of going through the transformation I started to feel like that weight on my shoulders was lighter, I started feeling less tired and just overall a little better within myself. I kept on going to therapy to talk about my problems and some of the issues I was trying to deal with.

As time went on I got put on some stronger medication due to my stress levels increasing, which made me even more determined to come off them (I’m not against medication I just don’t want to live a life dependent on them). I still kept on going to the gym and kept on going to therapy to help manage with my mental health.

I finally got given a chance of getting away from all the pain and suffering I had experience by keeping myself busy by looking at another house to hopefully move into which finally happened. I now live in the new house which has given me a new light in my life. Got my dream job and made loads more new friends and was able to reconnect with some old friends as well.

After living my new and improved life for a year I’ve finally been given the green light to come off the antidepressants which I ended crying with joy because it proved that if you put time and effort and just keep on being persistent you can achieve anything even things that seem unreachable during the time frame.

The first week of coming off the antidepressants I sadly experienced withdrawal symptoms which kicked my ass big time I was throwing up and had shivers for two days straight which I contacted my doctor and we’ve come up with a plan of action so instead of coming off them from weaning myself off I had to do it slower than most people which meant I’m now taking 3/4 of the pill and then after a week going down to 1/2 a pill for another week then 1/4 of a pill to help reduce the withdrawals.

The reason to why I’m writing this is to help encourage people to not give up no matter how difficult or challenging life can be and that you can make the changes to help sort through the bad times. And that if you’re want anything to change you have to be the change.

Starting a new chapter

Starting a new chapter, well what is it?

I like to think of it as a way for people to say goodbye to a horrible time that happened in they’re lives regardless of how long it lasted for and what happened during that time of life.

Personally I like to think that I’m starting a new chapter in my life as I write this post. I used to live in a beautiful house but sadly it is now painted with pain, sadness and hatred. But I now live in a new place with plenty of friends and new neighbours which all work together to form a nice community. I’ve got my dream job as a personal trainer which I get to help others reach they’re fitness goals and helping them mentally as well.

I know that lots of people have been through tough times or are still going through them and I just want to say don’t worry you will get to close that chapter in your life and start a fresh new page which you can be written the right way the way how you’ve wanted it to be for a while. There is and always will be light at the end of the tunnel. A fresh new lot of ink to start writing that new chapter

My little mental health walk

So the other day I felt anxious about the idea of going back to my old house to collect some of my old stuff, but because it’s next to some horrible people and I had some really bad experiences at the house also caused by my ex girlfriend.

I tried to do a workout but I couldn’t switch off my brain it just kept on screaming about the ideas of what might happen and nothing no logical about how to cope or how I would realistically react. So I said “fuck it”. I went home, had lunch and took myself out of the house and away from the whole place and mind set by taking myself onto a mental health walk which I found some lovely places I could go for a wonder when I’m bored.

During my walk I found a nice bridge which had a calm current flowing which the sound of it was very relaxing and it helped me do some grounding which can help you come back to reality

After crossing the bridge and walking further I decided to follow the stream as the noise was very relaxing and calming at the same time. I found that just going for a walk somewhere close to home you can discover lovely places you can enjoy all to yourself or even with some nice company which ever you want.

Even though the weather wasn’t the best for the day I knew that it was better for me to leave and get away from the house even if its for a short time it’ll definitely help me relax and clear my mind.

During the relaxing walk, I found some ducks casually drifting down the stream. You might not see them clearly with the photo but they are that little two odd colours in the distance.

Even noticing them just casually swimming down stream it made me feel even more relaxed about the whole situation which was nice.

The next day I felt so much more relaxed and so much more control over my mind high was nice.

Sometimes in life we all just need to take a break and go for a walk or a hike, just anything to get away from life consumed with daily worries or problems. Just doing something which you don’t need to think you just do, can make a massive change in a positive way

My thoughts on New Year’s resolution

So this post might come across a little toxic or a little different to my usual posts but this is just my personal opinion, you don’t have top read it if you don’t want to there’s no pressure.

I think the whole thing is a bit of a sham because why wait till new year to decide on when to start that new thing you’ve wanted to try when you have 364 other days of the year to do it. My question is why wait till new year? What’s stopping you from starting today or even tomorrow?

I bet you didn’t know that if you started in the new year like the rest of the world you are more likely to fail and not achieve that goal you want to do compared to say starting in March or February. This is due to the fact that most people will stop doing the thing they claimed they wanted to start because they have accidentally surrounded themselves with people who decide to quit and it starts this big domino effect which one quiets then another and so on.

If you decided to start that new challenge or trial in the spring time you’ll most likely stick with it and enjoy it more as we have more exposure to the sunshine which naturally lifts everyone’s moods and energises us all. So why not start then? Why are you choosing the wait till new year surrounding yourself with quitters.

So lets start that New Years challenge the right way on an actual day you randomly choose and not fall into the classic routine like everyone else

Like I said this can come across a little toxic or a little harsh but it’s all for good intention and a good way to help people self reflect on things they might not have considered